


5 times + 1

by iwannalovebucky



Category: Marvel, Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Blood, Dom Loki (Marvel), Drinking, F/M, Fighting, Fluff, Healing, Insecure Loki, Kissing, Library, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki deserved better, Loki fluff, M/M, Movie Night, Other, Partying, Reading, Soft Loki, Sweet Loki, Thor is trying, give loki a break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 20:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15126812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannalovebucky/pseuds/iwannalovebucky
Summary: Now, it didn´t seem all so ridiculous that you could have feelings for him, with you in his arms, your head pressed above his heart. It would make sense for you to want –Suddenly you were sitting up beside him, his arms still wrapped loosely around your waist, your hand still on his chest.





	5 times + 1

  1. _the library_



When Loki was first brought to the compound as an ally, everyone sidestepped him. He was the lost prince, the cold monster, the one who must not be trusted. Nobody wanted to spend time with him and he wanted to spend time with nobody. Still, Thor would drag him along, of course. The ever-smiling ball of sunshine followed by an annoyed prince.

There wasn´t much for him to do. He helped Thor with his reign, if needed. But most of his work could be done quickly, so that didn´t really keep him busy. He didn´t go on many missions for the others didn´t trust him, despite Thor´s reassurances. They would only let him go if Thor would accompany him. The most of his time was spend in his room, thinking, reading the books that reminded him of his mother and former, happier times.

But when he had read all of his books three times, he dreaded the thoughts that would still creep into his mind when not occupied. He longed for new books, new things he could think about.

He knew that there was a library, Thor had told him that Bruce went there from time to time. So he decided to ask Friday for help. The description it gave to him was surprisingly simple for such a big building and he found it just where it told him he would. Friday was probably the only ´person´ in this building that he could truly rely on (sometimes he would even have conversation with her, which Tony knew about, of course, but luckily he knew when to keep a secret).

And there he had met you. You had been introduced to each other before, of course, but assuming that you would be simply another person hating him for what he did in the past (which, he knew, you had every right to), he had simply dismissed you alongside the rest of the team. But now you were sitting there in the library and greeted him with a warm smile as you shortly looked up from the page you were reading.

Loki was the God of lies and he could tell when someone was putting up a show. You weren´t. You had just given him a genuine smile. Something he had not expected to receive from any Midgardian like, ever. But there you were. And honestly, he had no idea how to handle you and your stupid little smile.

It made him almost furious how puzzled he was by your reaction. He was a _god_ and you, a simple mortal had put him into this uncomfortable state of mind where he was not able to concentrate on anything besides your smile.

It took him a few trips to the library to come to terms with you and your stupid nice behavior and you stupid smiles and your stupid warm eyes. You would offer him help with finding good books, give him recommendations, you´d ask him if he wanted anything from the kitchen where you were heading anyways, you would ask him _how his day was_. You listened to him, you didn´t hate him, you even said that you liked him. And even though Loki knew you were being serious, he couldn´t stand it.

He hated it, or so he thought. His hands would shake and sweat when he was around you. His stomach tied in a tight knot, he forced himself to go to the library once more. His knees grew weak the closer he got to the couch you were curled up upon without noticing him due to the headphones in your ears. He was mad at you for provoking this reaction from his body, as he always was. You were always nice and helping and listening and accepting him and he just couldn´t help but – he abruptly stopped in his tracks. His palms were not sweaty, his stomach not tensed, his legs not weak because he hated you but because – “I love you.”

“Wha?” You pulled your headphone out of your ear, having missed what he said.

“Nothing,” Loki managed to mumble quickly before practically hiding behind a shelf to make sure you wouldn´t catch him blushing and almost having a panic attack.

 

> _ii. the kitchen_

Loki watched you from the other end of counter as you rummaged through the kitchen, trying to find the _good_ pan that Clint had apparently hidden somewhere just because you had annoyed him two days ago and he longed for revenge. But now you needed it desperately because you just had to prove Loki that grilled cheese was one of the easiest yet best things one could ever cook. Obviously he thought of the mortal dishes beneath him or, more specifically, beneath the Asgardian meals. He assured you that grilled cheese could never be as tasty as you promised him is was.

“Your cooking skills would barely be able to compete with the ones of our cooks,” he had said.

And he was right, you knew it, of course but naturally, you had to at least try and change his mind. But you needed the fucking _good_ pan that you just couldn´t seem to find. You were so engaged in your search that you didn´t notice the way Loki admired you from across the kitchen. Since the day he realized what you meant what you meant to him he was torn between keeping you close to protect you from everyone else and keeping his distance to protect you from him.

He knew that he would be no good for you and that you deserved more, but then again when he saw you with someone else he would always find a reason why they weren´t good for you either. Your constant reassures that you missed him when he was away were not helping him with his plan to stay away from you either. So, after a few weeks of him miserably trying to get away from you, he just gave up.

Maybe he deserved to be in love for a little while. That´s what he imagined Thor saying at least, so it had to be wrong – but still.

He was selfish so he stayed close to you, like he did now that you finally found the _good_ pan and started preparing the grilled cheese. And just like that, Loki thought about how nice it would be to always share a kitchen with you. To have you show him how you made your favorite dishes. You were so close to him, he could practically feel the heat radiating from you through your soft, fluffy sweater against his own cold, pale skin.

“Loki, are you – at all – listening to what I`m saying?”

Your voice ripped through his thoughts, stopping him from admiring a very, very hypothetical future Loki just _longs_ to experience with you.

“I´m sorry, I was just.. thinking,” he admits, hoping you will not further inquire him.

Luckily, you knew how little the God liked talking about private matters, so you barely raise an eyebrow at him. “D´ you wanna share your thoughts?” you ask, giving him the opportunity to keep his private thoughts private.

It was obvious that he struggled to decide what he should do. He wanted to be in love with you, he really did. And he was and it was feeling so, so good – he was as close to being happy as he never believed he could be again. And if he would tell you, it would either make him happier to make everything worse than it had been in years.

And why would you love someone like him? Even though he acted like he was better than everybody else, he knew that he was beneath you – by far. You were kind and understanding and he was.. well, him, Loki, embodiment of mischief and lies. But when you looked at him like that, like you wanted to know every ache he had ever felt just to soothe all of them, he thought that maybe, just maybe you wouldn´t be that unhappy with him either. Maybe telling you wasn´t that much of a bad idea, maybe you did –

“You don´t have to tell me.”

You had noticed how hesitant he was about telling you what was troubling him, you didn´t want to put more pressure on him.

“Yes.. I-I mean, thank you. Maybe.. maybe another time,” Loki tried to cover up his embarrassment. Maybe him telling you about his feelings was just not meant to happen.       

 

> _iii. the blind date fiasco_

Natasha had set you up for a blind date. After her failed attempts to find someone for Steve she had made you her new target. You weren´t really fond of this development, yet you seemed to accept it. Maybe you really would meet someone nice enough to go on a few dates with.

So, you had dressed up and gotten ready, excited to go on a date after quiet some time where you were too occupied with work to go on any. And Natasha was sure the two of you would make a great couple. So, a little excited you got in your car, leaving behind a jealous Loki who wanted nothing more than keep you away from this guy Natasha had practically gushed about for the past week. He sounded like a really charming and agreeable guy but that did not change the fact that Loki absolutely longed to punch him in his handsome face.

He tried not to get too angry about it, he had seen how excited you had been before leaving. You deserved to have a nice evening. Loki didn´t want to be mad when you returned, you didn´t deserve that, there was nothing wrong with what you were doing.

So, grabbing a book he made his way to his room. The book was barely interesting enough to catch his attention for longer than an hour. He tried to force himself to read it but it only ended with him getting angry at himself for not being able to concentrate. The poor book had to suffer through his frustration, jealousy and anger as it was thrown across the room. Loki would usually never do such a thing and he was a little embarrassed but then again, he usually wasn´t in love, so he figured it was fine.

He picked it up soon after though, the voice of his mother constantly in the back of his head. _That is no way to treat your things_ , she would say. _Especially not books._ She would pick it up and place it gently in his lap. She would always do that. Not get angry. Loki could never get a grasp on how she could have so much patience with him and love him through all of his moods. Whenever he did something wrong, she would tell him what he did and why it was wrong but she would rarely ever get mad at him. He could not remember a single time she yelled at him.

Maybe that was one of the reasons he fell in love with you. Not only were you nice to him, you resembled his mother in so many ways. You never failed to remind him of the best woman he had ever known.

And again, you were on his mind. He couldn´t seem to let you go. The book was now placed on his nightstand but he had lost all motivation to continue reading it. He decided to try and watch a movie instead.  That kind of entertainment did not really excite him, but the way your eyes would light up when you talked about a movie that you loved – he wanted to see more of that. Even if it meant he would have to sit through an hour and a half of stupid people doing stupid things with their stupid friends.

Soon enough, the movie started to bore him. It was one that Thor recommended to him, so naturally, it was not Loki´s taste. A movie that you liked would at least be worth watching it for the sake of being able to talk to you about it afterwards. You kept your movies in the rack besides your bed in your room, a place Loki often visited. So often in fact that you had given him the password to unlock your door. Nobody could ever understand why you would trust the God of Lies - of all people – with such a thing; and that was okay. You just did. That was all of the information you would give to anyone who asked.

But, at the end of the day, Loki did not care. He was the one that earned your trust and even though he tried to be less narcissistic, he kind of felt like that put him above everybody else. Not his heritage, not his family, not his title, not his abilities, but your trust. And he was thankful for it, your trust felt like a gift to him.

So, given the fact that you told him he could come to your room and borrow your books or movies when he wanted, he decided to do just that. You weren´t there, but he hardly thought it would make any difference. Additionally, he always felt so safe in your room, safer and calmer than anywhere else in the compound. Even the library was not as peaceful as your room, or so Loki would tell anyone would he ever talk about his feelings.

He had barely spent three minutes considering which movie he should watch when you shuffled through the door.

“Cancelled. Made me look like a fucking idiot,” you huffed as you threw your bag on your desk as you made your way towards your bed. “Told the waitress he would come soon, should´ve seen her look when I left.”

You flopped onto your bed and kicked off your shoes as soon as you could, eager to forget the wonderful plans that had just been crushed by your supposed date. Glancing over to Loki you gave him a weak smile. “At least we can watch a movie. Put one in,” you told him, gesturing to the two movies he was holding in his hands. Loki seemed to be caught so off guard it was almost adorable. He stared down at the two DVDs, putting in the one whose cover he liked more.

As he made his way to the bed to sit beside you, he noticed that you did, in fact, not sit up but simply placed your head low on the pillow.

“You know,” you started, glancing up at him after a few minutes “I had a really bad evening.”

Your nervous fidgeting fingers did not escape Loki´s eyes.

“And like, if you wouldn´t mind, I could use some.. cuddles?”

Noticing how shocked he was you quickly added: “Only of you want to, of course.”

You hadn’t even finished that sentence before Loki pulled you up to him, wriggling a little lower on the bed so that your head could be comfortably placed on his chest. You couldn´t help but let out a little sigh that involuntarily made his heart jump a bit. He hoped that you wouldn´t hear and he even would have prayed, but to who do you pray of you are a god yourself? All he could do was hold you and hope you wouldn´t notice.

And you didn´t. Or so you pretended. Loki didn´t know and neither did he really care. You clung onto him, he got to hold you and even if it was only tonight, only for an hour, he was fine with that. He would take whatever part of you he could get.

And then again, there was this annoying little voice of his brother in the back of his head, _tell her_ it said. _Tell her and she might be yours forever._ Why was he always lecturing Loki, even when he was not there? And why did he believe in him, just like you did?

Was he right? Should he tell you, could he get more time with you?

Now, it didn´t seem all so ridiculous that you could have feelings for him, with you in his arms, your head pressed above his heart. It would make sense for you to want –

Suddenly you were sitting up beside him, his arms still wrapped loosely around your waist, your hand still on his chest.

“I´ll grab some snacks real quick, I´m starving, didn´t have dinner. You want something?”

 

> _iv. the assault_

Thor had an idea. It was no surprise that this was going to be a bad day for Loki.

There was a mission and Loki could help, or so Thor thought. Apparently no one shared his opinion.

“You expect me to work with _him_?” Tony spat.

“Tony,” Steve gave him a warning look.

“What? He tried to kill all of us,” Tony raised his voice. His eyes rested on Loki, giving him a suspicious, disapproving look. “I´m not trusting _him_.”

Thor tried to say something but just as he opened his mouth, Tony already shushed him.

“I trust you, but not your brother.”

Loki just wanted to get out of there. He hated it when arguments like this happened. Awareness of who he was, of what he was and what he had done was always in the back of his mind but during these conversations he always become hyper-aware of the guilt that always lingered. He had been getting better, he really had, but this just made it worse again.

“He´s changed, you know that,” Thor tried to defend his brother.

And then the big argument about whether or not Loki could be trusted started again. He hated it, everyone did. It was useless, no one ever agreed with the other, no one was willing  to change their minds, no matter how many times they discussed it. So, he left. They had stopped paying him any attention anyways, so there really was no point in him staying with them.

The kitchen offered him refugee he gladly accepted. He could still hear the others argue over him in the living room and it made him want to – what is it you Midgardians say? – put his head in the oven. He opted for the refrigerator instead.

As he tried to cancel out the noises constantly piercing through his brain he tried to focus on which yogurt he should eat as he heard your voice from afar. Instantly, his attention was focused solely on what you were saying.

“.. can´t treat him like a monster and then expect him not to be one! Did it ever cross your mind that Thor and I are the only people he is nice to is because we treat him like a human being?” The disappointment in your voice was obvious. Loki didn´t know you were capable of feeling that emotion.

He just stood there, completely baffled by the fact that you actually went out of you way and defended him. Why would you do that? Why did you even care about –

“Loki, are you alright?” Your worried voice softly drifted through the room. It didn´t cut through the new silence that had formed after you left the living room with angry words towards Tony. Your voice was too gentle to do anything but float.

“Why did you defend me?” Loki voiced the question that troubled his mind.

“Because I like you, Loki. A lot. And you deserve better.”

You smiled softly at him. Was there anything about you that was not soft? Your eyes, your smile, your touch. But never pity. Worry sometimes, but you had never pitied him like Thor did. _I love you_ is what he wanted to say. _I like you_ was what you said.

Maybe it was just not the right time. It never seemed to be.

 

> _v. the party_

You were having fun, Loki could see that. On the other end of the bar you were chatting away with Sam, laughing a little too loud from time to time. He had kept count of how many drinks you had this night even though he had no idea how many were normal for a Midgardian, it still made him feel better. Knowledge always made him feel better. It made him feel like he was in control.

Loki loved being in control. He loved that when he asked you to go onto the balcony with him you said yes. He loved that you leaned into him when he stood next to you. He loved that you would put your drink away when he asked you to. He loved that you listened to everything he said. He loved being in control.

Being in control made him think about other situations, inappropriate situations, in which he wanted to be in control. Being raised by a queen and being a prince one would believe that he would be able to suppress thoughts and feelings like this until an appropriate moment and so did he, until then.

 But just the way you leaned into him, the way you threw your head back when you laughed, the way you touched him made it hard not to think about such things. Unfortunately he could tell that he wasn´t the only one who thought such things.

It made him furious to see other people look at you the same way he did. It wasn´t even that they were gawking at you all the time, sometimes they would just shoot you a quick glance and still he wanted to throw them all into a dungeon, if he only had one. Would you not be here he may would have opted for slitting their throats but then again, would you not be here he wouldn´t feel this way.

“Hey petal,” he murmured as he steadied you with a hand on the small of your back. He normally wouldn´t allow himself to be so close to you but since you had been so clingy all night you didn´t seem to mind at all. The next morning you probably wouldn´t be able to tell if you got close to him or the other way around.

“I think it is getting a bit late. Don´t you want to go to bed?” he proposed as you looked up at him with your doe eyes again. If Loki wasn´t that sure that the two of you weren´t meant to be, then he would have sworn that there was a glimpse of admiration and maybe even love. But he knew that it couldn´t be so he let it lie.

“But ´m having fun,” you whispered and maybe you leaned in just a little bit more but that was just wishful thinking, Loki decided.

“I know, sweetheart.” He rubbed lightly over your back to ease you into listening to him. “But aren´t these shoes a little uncomfortable?”

You looked down at your feet and nodded in confirmation. “A little,” you smiled.

“Let me take you to your room,” Loki whispered before he realized what he was saying. Again, you only nodded.

Loki guided you out of the room with his hand still on your back, past all the eyes that had been watching you. Would he not have been busy making sure you were alright, he would have made them regret it. But like this, all of his attention was directed towards you.

Once you entered the elevator you started to lean more and more into him, closing your eyes as the two of you waited for the elevator to bring you to your floor. Or at least, you did. Loki didn´t want this to end, he wanted to relish the feeling of you being so close to him forever. But sadly, the elevators _the_ Tony Stark created were very efficient, so what he wanted to be infinity turned out to be only a few moments.

He almost kissed the top of your head to wake you from your slight doze against his shoulder but he still had that much self control. You refused to let him carry you to your room despite his multiple offers.

Once you reached your door, an awkward silence emerged between the two of you. No one said anything, he just looked at you with the softest gaze that had been on his face since his mother died, a look you tried to memorize as well as you possibly could. Softness looked good on him. You rarely ever got to see it. It made you want to kiss him like he wanted to kiss you.

So you did. And for a second, only a fragment of a moment, Loki kissed you back. But you were drunk. You didn´t mean this. Or so he thought. He wouldn´t use you.

He wanted to kiss you, to tell you about every feeling he had for you, to tell you about the dreams he had about you. But he didn´t. Instead he hoped that you wouldn´t remember this in the morning.

You didn´t exchange any words about this moment the next day. Both of you simply pretended you forgot.

 

> _vi. healing_

In the end, it was the easiest thing in the world.

It didn´t occur to you for one second that what you were doing could be wrong because it wasn´t. You could never think that loving Loki cold be wrong.

A mission turned out to be.. a bit more complicated than originally assumed. Everyone got out of it alive but only with injuries all over. You had stayed back for they thought not everyone would be needed. Loki went (apparently you had changed Tony´s mind).

Before you even had the chance to be informed about the arrival of your teammates he was already at your door. His face bloody and pleading. Without saying anything he asked you to take him in, to heal him. And you did.

Neither you nor Loki had been all too keen to be in the same room as the other one, not after the kiss you two shared. But then, it didn´t matter. He was hurt and you were worried.

Sitting on the edge of your bathtub, Loki looked at you with the same look in his eyes you gave him when you were drunk. You stood between his legs, cleaning up the last wound on his shoulder. A _thank you_ was whispered into the chilly air of your en suite, so softly that you nearly missed it. You leaned down to press a kiss on the top of his head, you didn´t even think about it, it just felt normal, natural to do it, like it was in your muscle memory.

Another whisper was carried through the room by the same voice as before, _I love you_ this time. Followed by a head being pulled down lovingly, lips pressing each other, happy tears flowing, fingers tangling in hair and each other followed by another love confession and silent questions of why you thought it would be a good idea not to tell each other about your love.

**Author's Note:**

> For @startrekkingaroundasgard on tumblr.


End file.
